I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
