I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
