she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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