have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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