I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
