Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I won the penis lottery.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
