The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
