got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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