Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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