I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
