You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
