I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
