My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
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