It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
