Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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