i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
