I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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