I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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