Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
