okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
