Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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