I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
