i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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