Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Randomize
