So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
