Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
