Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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