I didn't shave. On purpose
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
