if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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