6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Hippo gnu deer
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
