it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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