you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
