Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
