Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
