I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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