I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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