i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
