Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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