i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
