Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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