I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
pray to the hookup gods
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
