What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
operation have a gay friend backfired
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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