She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I sprained my soul last night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
