theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
