I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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