ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
