i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
