Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
