she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
