Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
