You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
